Wounds That Need to Heal

I felt compelled to write this entry after all the back lash i received from my previous Instagram post.

I by no means wanted to dismiss the horrendous pain that lies behind both anxiety and depression. My entire page is about sharing my experiences and all that i have been through, in an almost constant battle against these two ‘forces’ that have kept my life from thriving.

I said this before and i will say it again, i have tried several types of medications over the years but for me, personally, they only seemed to work during the first weeks, which in return, i realized was placebo because i was clearly told that it takes several weeks to notice a difference in how you feel.

The side effects were simply not worth the benefit BUT this is what i chose for MY life. I chose to dive deep within myself and find out what was causing this chaos and what i found was not pleasant and it continues to be a journey of self discovery and of ups and downs. However, i am committed to this being my way of handling things and i don’t expect people to make the same choices.

I will say this though:

While anxiety and depression along with all mental illnesses can have a genetic component (hence the chemical imbalances that some people experience), after numerous discussions with psychiatrists and therapists (out of curiosity and because i wanted to help), i was told that even this ‘genetic component’ needs to get triggered by an event, and guess what, it’s never a happy event that triggers it so here we are, back to the wounds.

I’ve been told that i am not a medical specialist and that my recent post could threaten people’s lives. Well, i am sorry to be so honest and have to say that if people REALLY faced their troubles, many therapists would lose their jobs. One of my favorite therapists said to me, ‘Alina, if people were HONEST WITH themselves, 99% of mental illness would vanish”. I remember that hitting me so hard. I attended group therapy and psychoanalysis groups for years, not just because i needed it for myself but because i used to be super passionate about psychology and because i knew that one day i wanna share my story and help. In the attempt to help my own self, i read books on pharmacology, psychiatry, all that i could find on anxiety from a medical perspective but also from a social, spiritual and emotional point of view, asking myself dozens of questions such as:

  1. what really goes on in the body and mind of someone that has anxiety? (what’s going on with me?!)
  2. what is a deeper understanding of this condition?
  3. are there other ways to heal this or is medication the only way?

When you embark on a 10 year journey of self reflection and healing, as i have, it’s hard to stay on the surface of things, it’s hard to have a doctor look at you for 15 mins and then say, well, it seems you have this, this and that, you need to take x,y,z pills and we can do a follow up in about a month.

What the f**k is that? (and you guys know i don’t use curse words) but this is something i feel so strongly about. There were several girls, that commented on my post, saying that i should ‘educate’ myself. Believe me, i am beyond educated in this particular field, in fact, there’s an overflow of knowledge that i’ve been wanting to share with you guys and from now on, i honestly don’t care what other people have to say. I know my intention and i know that i can help because i have been there too many times, feeling the desperation of things that don’t work and the excruciating pain of having to face a situation over and over again.

Recently i went through a break up. I was miserable all summer, in my heart at least. I was putting up a smile for everyone including myself but deep down i felt shattered. I went into one of the worst relapses about a month ago because i didn’t know what to do with the pain that kept piling up and that then, triggered so many other things that were hurting me. I felt like i couldn’t manage. I would wake up every night, t-shirt dripping with sweat and say to myself ‘ok, tomorrow i will do something about this…i can’t believe this is happening to me again! i don’t wanna live this way, i felt so happy, this can’t be happening again’. But then the next day i’d choose to stick it out and just deal with it, despite what i was feeling. It got to a point of madness and i was thinking of calling my former doctor, that i haven’t spoken to in TWO YEARS and asking him if maybe, it would be a good idea to start taking something. BUT WHAT WAS I GONNA SAY?

‘Yo’ man, my heart is sooooo freaking BROKEN for the 100th time that i need Celexa to fix it? Gimme some Lexapro for my inner wounds. Actually, gimme a mood stabilizer too ,cause i feel like shit in the morning and that’s not working for me plus an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) to back it up. Hey….thanks!’

GUYS?!!!!

NO!……..that is NOT how to deal with pain, trauma, losing someone you love, or any kind of event that happens to you because eventually you will have to come back to the wound and HEAL IT.

Anxiety has a cause! Depression has a cause. They don’t just happen, and if they do, as i said before, the root cause can be unconscious. I was told a few days ago, that my the husband of someone i know passed away and ever since, the lady has been having panic attacks and massive anxiety. SO what would be the right approach here? Doping her with pills to kill a pain that is so evidently INCURABLE for the time being? NO pill in the world will CURE PAIN. It can help alleviate the SYMPTOMS caused by PAIN (panic, headaches, heart palpitations, upset stomach, the list goes on an on), but the would itself NEEDS TIME, it needs SPACE, it needs to be CONFRONTED and ADDRESSED. IT needs LOVE. IT needs PEOPLE that can softly pull you back to YOURSELF because sometimes loss can be so very painful, we feel like we wanna migrate outside of our own bodies just to NOT have to experience what we’re FEELING (hence depersonalization and derealization).

Some of the best friends i ever could have found!

One guy commented that i shouldn’t even dare reply to his message (that’s how offended he was) because of my apparent ‘dismissal of depression’). Jesus, how in the world could i dismiss something i lived and survived? Something i occasionally still do live and survive? I can tell you many things about me that are real but here’s one : I KNOW PAIN.

I spent three months deeply immersed in nature at the beginning of this year and i literally felt healed and was healed. I was in the tropics, in the ocean and at the ocean every single day. I filled my cup with sunshine and laughter, i spent time alone, walking while taking in the breeze. I forgot who i was and remembered who i wanted to be. Healing is different for everyone and i promised i would talk about this. For me, nature has been my medicine, alone with a few supplements that i still take and that i’ll be talking about soon. I rekindled my relationship with God (during that same time) and started reading the Bible and started talking to Jesus about all my problems. My love for Him grew to where if someone would even mention His name, i would start crying. He showed me who i really AM. Not what my mind made me believe i am. I realized i am light, love, peace, kindness, truth and so much more and that i’m not here JUST for myself but for everyone. Mainly we’re here to support each other’s journeys and to understand LOVE, as it really is not as society teaches it to be. It was then that i realized, my happiness can’t come from other people but from a higher realm that is not subject to human aversion. I was so very happy for about seven months, until the break up completely derailed me! But i know that slowly but surely, i will get myself back to where i was.

this was one of the beaches i got to spend some time on, while away. i swear that saltwater cures everything

I learned a lot and i simply can’t rely on pills to make up for patterns and mistakes that i decided to choose over and over again, things that got me in this mess to begin with.

I wanna face this wound and all other wounds, and this time i decide to go deeper within myself because i will never allow this to happen again. Coming back to healing, i will write a detailed list of things that have worked and continue to work for me:

1. Kindness towards myself and others (a state of consciousness where i choose to be open and kind, despite of what i might be feeling inside)

2. Self love and compassion ( i have struggled with despising myself for many many years because of many forms of rejection that i have gone through; little did i know, that much of it stemmed from a deep rejection of my SELF). Until you learn to live with yourself open and raw, taking into account all aspects of your personality, stuff will continue to repeat like a never ending cycle that leaves you drained and wondering ‘why meee?!’

3. Spending time in nature and contemplating its ways (you can do this by taking a vacation or MAKING the time to intentionally take a walk in the park, forest, to simply BE outdoors and plunge into a realm that has so much to teach us, from patience to grace, to unconditional acceptance of all that is)

4. Finding people that value who you are; people that are supportive and that make you feel LOVED and IMPORTANT

5. Working on that self talk (God i could write another post on this, actually i did πŸ™‚

6. The Gym ….i work out about 4 times per week NO MATTER what (and when i say no matter what, i mean, whether i’m fainting, dizzy, got my period, feel like crying, wanna go jump out the window, did or did not sleep well that night) I will STILL GO TO THE GYM.

7. Studying the word of God, which says 365 times (throughout) the Bible……..’DO NOT FEAR!’ There are so many scriptures that deal with fear and sadness and so many instructions on how to live a life that is free of sin and therefore, free of STRESS because i can tell you from my own experience, God doesn’t care if you sin because it doesn’t affect HIM it affects YOU and your MIND and your BODY. Because He loves us, HE wants us to stay ‘clean’ but this is something each person has to or can (if they desire) realize on their own. I am NOT imposing my beliefs i am simply detailing on what made me a better person! I used to drink, smoke, party, things i don’t even mention here. God changed me so much, no force in this world could have ever worked on me in that way!

8. Art : Things like painting or writing, expressing myself and all that has ever happened to me through words, drawings, music ( i love to sing), sitting with myself and all my wounds and just letting them take shape and form OUTSIDE OF myself.

9. Being a blessing and encouraging others (even when i feel like i myself am not able to do that for me) i still try to do it for others. As is said, it’s not about you and me but about EVERYONE. We’re here not just with each other but FOR each other.

10. Living in a state of bewilderment (sometimes i just make an intention of being amazed by all that happens to me, in a good way) and i notice that things just become magical in a way that’s kinda’ hard to explain. Add a little gratitude to this (no matter how your day was) and watch things SHIFT dramatically.

11. ATTITUDE. Had to write that in capital letters because i used to have the worst attitude ever! And i still struggle with it sometimes. Let me just tell you that attitude can make you or break you like nothing else in the world! When you learn to shift your attitude, the sky is the limit.

Hope this helps, sending all my

Love,

A

The Power Of Self Talk

“Life and death is in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). But this is also valid for the conversations we have with ourselves inside our minds. Just because that voice within isn’t audible or loud, doesn’t mean that we are not listening to every word we say. Our mind, our heart and our body are listening-trust me.

Maybe you grew up in a family where every little thing you did was judged and so you’ve become accustomed to self blame and criticism. There’s a voice that condemns your every mistake-that voice is not you.

Maybe you never had people to support you or recognize your value and so it’s challenging for you to be your friend, to cheer for yourself but sometimes that can be so rewarding because when you master it, you can then share this skill with other people. Win-Win πŸ™‚

Life is not just about us but more about what we can share with other people. And that’s why every challenge is worth its time if you learn to turn it into a treasure that other people can learn from and better their life.

I struggled with negative self talk for so many years and sometimes it’s still an issue for me but i have come a long way and i really feel the need to share a few things things with you but mainly that self talk can make you or break you.

Make sure you:

  1. Check on that inner voice at least a few times a day and ask yourself, ‘am i being compassionate and kind to myself today? right now? in this very moment? does this decision support the love i have for myself or can it help me love and accept myself more?
  2. If you find yourself being harsh, critical or negative towards yourself, simply take a moment and stop. Remember that making mistakes is the only way to grow. Re-evaluate your position and think of an alternate attitude, one that supports your self worth and that adds value to who you want to become. Being mean to yourself will not solve the problem you’re facing and it certainly won’t help you find ways to ‘do better next time’. Look at things from a ‘that’s who i used to be but this is who i choose to be now’ mentality.
  3. Write down what is preventing you from being kind to yourself or why you’re unwilling to choose a kinder and more gentle voice to sustain your inner journey. What are you blaming yourself for? Why can’t you find the inner peace you desire? What issues from the past are still lingering in the ocean of your being?

The voice that’s softest is the one that is closest to LOVE.

4. Choose to live by the following question: ‘what would someone that loves themselves do?’. This is a question that i borrowed from someone i used to listen to on youtube. Whenever you’re confused by the voice of your ego, ask yourself this question and the right answer will come to you immediately.

Just as you have the power to talk yourself into a situation or out of a situation, so too is the power to choose the way in which you address yourself. Make sure that your words are carefully selected but also, pay attention to the tone of voice that you use. As i said before, just because your inner voice is silent, does not mean that it goes unheard.

The three phases of anxiety you might find yourself in!

Regardless of where you might find yourself in your journey with anxiety, there are steps to be taken in each and every phase. These steps are very different and are entirely reliant upon the phase you’re in. So here we go!

Anxiety beginner

If anxiety just hit you, i won’t tell you to ‘not freak out’ because i know that is entirely impossible but take it from someone that has been there for 12 years, in the deepest darkest corners, it IS temporary, you will have moments of relief but for now what i need you to do is FOCUS ON TODAY, focus on getting through this day, the next hour, all you need to do is make it ’till tonight’. I remember the scariest thought ever, being the fact that i will have to deal with this for the rest of my life! The thought would eat me alive and my anxiety would turn into the type of dread that made me feel like i couldn’t make it through another day. Don’t feed the monster with that thought and please don’t sink into that mindset because it isn’t the truth. Anxiety is the ultimate liar, it will twist your brain to where you’ll end up wondering if everything you know is even real. Your job is to become aware of this and to stay close to the truth and not bend and break when it comes to these lies.

Another thing that works well when it comes to beginner’s anxiety is distraction. Find something you enjoy doing and something that will engage not only your mind but also your heart! When we put our heart into something, our brains become silenced and that is what we need, to end the constant chatter! For me, some things that helped were listening to music, being out in nature, writing in my journal, spending time with someone i’d find engaging and interesting and honestly, going to the gym was always a huge savior for me. No matter how i felt i never abandoned exercise!

If possible, take some time off or create time to do things that YOU feel like doing. Listen to what your heart needs. This is not something that has sprung up from out of the blue! It has been building up incrementally!

Affirmation: I don’t need to deal with this for the rest of my life, i need to deal with this today, for the next 12 hours. That is all i need to do.

Anxiety mid-level

This is when you can start looking for the root causes and focusing on what is not working in your life because you already have experience in dealing with symptoms. When the life taking fear is gone, you can start focusing on how to steer your life in the direction it needs to go. Find purpose, be happy, see what it is you really need and want! Ask yourself questions like:

  1. what do i need to truly be happy?
  2. are the actions i’m taking reflective of my personal truth?
  3. how much love and respect do i have for myself?
  4. what is it that i truly want to do with my life? what would give me meaning?

Affirmation: I am able to help myself discover the causes of my condition, this will bring me closer to my most authentic path.

In recovery or fully recovered

Here is where it can get tricky because we tend to lower the levels of self care because we feel better and we can easily fall back into our old patterns if we are not careful enough. Anxiety is tricky in that it is such a come and go condition; all you need is one situation that you perceive as hurtful or negative, to jump right back into the β€œloop”. Once you have a relapse, you tend to think ‘oh God my anxiety is back’ and you so easily forget how far you have come and where your first started. Please make just as much time for yourself and respect your journey, this is not something easy to battle. People that suffer from anxiety are the bravest people i know. True warriors that carry silent battles others know nothing about!

Affirmation: I have come so far in my healing but i still need to take just as much care of myself as i did in the beginning.

I hope this blog post helped you and if you found it useful, share it with someone in need. This is how we change the world!

Much love,

A

You can do this, you are heading to a better place, despite the challenges. This i promise you.

Give up control

A lot of anxiety we experience in our every day lives, has to do with control. We expect and want things to go a certain way and the fear of things not happening as planned, creates a sense of uneasiness that can rapidly grow into anxiety or even panic.

The truth is, no one has control over what comes over what will happen in the future. Yes, we can control the little things such as the diet we choose to eat or the people we hang out with or the thoughts we think but when it comes to major things, all we can do is maintain a healthy attitude towards life and let things unfold without binding to a certain result.

Because, in the end, we don’t know whether something we consider desirable will actually end up being good for us or not. Sometimes, it is the negative or less desirable things that happen (ones we often consider unfortunate) that steer the wheel of our lives in the right direction.

So, what if we tried to see everything that happens through a lens of non duality? Meaning, what would happen if we quit labeling something as “good” or “bad”?

I recently read the most amazing short story on Instagram about a man that lived in a village and had a son who broke his leg. The people in the village came to meet him saying, “oh, what a bad thing, your son broke his leg”.

The man replied by saying “maybe”.

The next day, the local army came to recruit young men for war and they could not take the man’s son because he had a broken leg. So the people in the village came back and said, “oh, what a bad thing, your son could not join the army”.

The man replied by saying “maybe”.

The next day, his horse ran away and the people came again to tell him how unfortunate he was but when his horse returned, it brought several wild horses with it and so the story went on with the man that always said “maybe” to whatever others deemed as ‘bad’.

What a beautiful way of looking at things!

A lot of people that suffer from anxiety have an excessive need for control and if this control is not present, their minds go into panic mode because as sufferers they are used to labeling more things as ‘bad’ than ‘good’. This is perfectly understandable as many people with chronic anxiety learned this behavior from a parent that could easily be defined as a ‘worrier’ or a ‘negative person’ in terms of their outlook on life so sufferers are always on the lookout for potential danger that would end up harming them in some way.

We, as sufferers must be vigilant and protect ourselves and that is such hard work! Sometimes i just wanna hug my brain and give it all this love, i feel bad for all the junk and patterns it has learned and all the madness it is now forced to cope with.

I LOVE YOU BRAIN and i appreciate all that you do for me despite all the adversity.

Coming back to the topic of control, it is not something we can easily give up but i would like you to try to gradually let things flow without feeling the need to plan excessively or to know what will happen ahead of time. Realize that no one has the superpower of knowing what will happen tomorrow and honestly, it is better to NOT know because we might choose to skip that day when in fact from that precise storm would arise our greatest realizations, lessons, treasures to forever hold and share with others when the time is ripe.

Trust. Bare. Love. Open your heart. Blink slowly. Be kind. Love freely.

Thank you for reading this and for being here, sharing this experience with me. We are all equal. We are all here together sharing a home and a heart even though we have different bodies, we are all part of the Creator. I’d love to see more of HIM in YOU.

Trust

Love,

A

Morning Mind Cleanse

Every morning we are granted the opportunity to start anew.

To begin again.

And yet, the moment we open our eyes, we immediately track down the last thing we remember. We are therefore stuck and attached to the past.

How can we start each day with a clean state? How can we wash the valleys of our minds, with pure water, fresh water, realizing that we get this chance every-single-morning?

What would it feel like if every time you woke up, you would visualize your mind releasing old beliefs, thinking patterns and feelings that gained momentum the day before?

To not be stuck in yesterday’s world, we must be intentional about creating change and working on generating new patterns and behaviors. And so i propose to you a daily morning challenge of grounding and cleansing. I challenge you as well as myself, to try and “see” everything for the first time. Yourself. The world around you. All that is.

Today i begin again. I cleanse my mind of all that was. 

Today i will create new beliefs about  myself and the world around me.   Today, my mind is washed clean of all that i thought about yesterday.  My day begins with fresh water that is pure. So pure, i can  see the  bubbles of fresh air floating through it. My mind is ready for a new day,  free  of all that was and  ready to flow through these fresh and bright waters that are calm and peaceful. The shores of my mind are new. There are no footprints. Today i begin again. Today i believe again. Today is all i have. 

Keep this image in your mind and visualize the cleanse. Release attachments from all the days you have lived before. Watch the world around you recreate itself.

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The Sacred Hours of Morning.Saying NO to Social Media Early in the Day.

The minutes and hours that follow an early rise are holy grounds. They are freshly laid soils in which we are meant to plant intentions, new behaviours and patterns of thought. 

As humans, we need time to prepare our minds for what we face during a day. We need time to prepare for the transit, from night to day, with dreams and all of the madness that can stem from interpreting them. What is in our subconscious minds that is calling for attention? What is it that we do not wish to see with our woken minds? Some people like to journal their dreams, of course this is not necessary if you have good memory. But reserving a few minutes to recapture what dreams are symbolising might be a good way to understand your inner conflicts.

If the moment you wake up, you decide to grab your phone and plunge into the lives of people on social media, you have already decided to stray from yourself.

 Your mind hasn’t had the chance to declutter from its sleep and you have already confronted it with information about where to go, what to do, the latest iPhone, raids in fellow countries, the latest fashion trends, discounts on trips you could possibly take, emails, WhatsApp messages, a text from an ex that simply has you off for the day, motivational quotes you’re not ready to digest so early on, the private lives of others they are so eager to share desperately seeking validation, and so on.

Dear friends, take a moment to breathe and realise how unhealthy and unkind this is. Our bodies are meant to be treasured and loved, cared for as they are the vessels that carry us through life. Starting out your day with too much information, some that might even have you wondering if you’re on the right path, or comparing yourself to others before you even brushed your teeth…is simply not a good way to channel your energy and focus.

Make sure to allow at least an hour to pass before you check your phone, delving into things that will shift your focus from the present moment into a ‘wannabe’, ‘havetodo’, ‘wishicould’ state of mind. It will steal your joy and the crazy part is that you are the person that allows for it. 

Ground yourself in your own presence and energy and focus on your intention for the day before checking information on social media.

I promise you this will give you a more stable sense of self and purpose without being driven by external forces that will lead you astray. Listen to your heart and give your mind the time it needs to reach a state of coherence.

I hope this makes sense to you.

Much love & light,

A

How To Use Your Intuition

“there can be as much value in the blink of an eye as in months of rational analysis”

Malcolm Gladwell 

Intuition is the “glue of mind, body and spirit”- Meagan Rock.

Intuition is something we have access to only when we become present. To not confuse it with the voice of our ego, we must learn to be still and to become familiar with what our hearts sound like. To recognise intuition is to practice entering a sacred space of presence and flow, where the mind, body and spirit can come together as ONE. 

Intuition is not something that arises as a result of a thinking process, on the contrary. Intuition becomes available when we stop all thinking and listen to the silence that speaks a language of its own. This might seem strange and it truly is mysterious.  Intuition is not of the thinking mind but rather of the silencing forces of our spirit and heart. It is a gentle whisper of knowing that other have used long before us. A general collective and ancestral knowledge of right and wrong based on experiences that transcend the present moment. 

Intuition is not the same for everyone. For some it can feel like a calling, an image or an inner voice, while for others it can simply be an inner knowing that becomes available once entering a state of presence. What is important to know is that intuition will never take the voice of fear or judgement, which is why we must learn to differentiate it from what our ego-driven mind is telling us.

When we put our rational powers to rest and simply breathe, we are able to access more than we can imagine. The reason being that rationality often goes too far with analysis and judgement and is therefore incapable of delving into the realms that lie outside of “what makes sense”. Intuition does not always make sense and trying to explain it to someone or even to ourselves defies the point of it. 

It is there to offer a deeper understanding and guidance to what it is we need or what lies behind that which we see.

If you ever feel that a situation or a person is not good for you, listen to that inner knowing and take measures to adjust your behaviour with what it is you feel behind the curtain of social tasks and pressure. At the end of the day you have yourself to answer to, a self that will not excuse you for not taking into account its truth! So don’t deny the obvious no matter what form it takes in your life.

Some questions you might want to ask yourself, to become more attuned to your intuition:

Is this feeling, image or inner knowing coming from a place of calmness and peace?

Do I feel connected to my higher self? 

Is my intuition urging me to do something or is it a loving message that is telling me I can trust the timing of my life? (Keep in mind that intuition will not come from a place of urgency but rather from a place of patience and understanding)

How does this inner knowing make me feel? Does it give me a feeling of warmth and joy (intuition) or is it a chilling feeling that brings up fear and rationality? (ego)

Remember to always follow the inner guiding you receive, it is one of the greatest gifts of the human spirit. Learn to use it and to trust yourself.

LOVE. A.